My mood today

     Hi everyone,
    Well here goes, be prepared for a mix of things, good and bad, I'm in PA at the ROC= Royal Outing Club. I'm having a blast as usual, I've been coming since I was in the womb. But as of late have been distracted, I haven't been thinking about going back to my home in Lawrence. I miss it, but realize I have been missing my family, aunts, uncles, etc. The frustrating part is that I have always felt like an outcast. Ever since I was in school. The kids bullied me, well they tortured me on a daily basis. I can bet half my graduating High School class were bullies, I had very few friends. I think that my classmates were the ones who made me so negative about myself. I was to scared to go to school, to make matters worse there would be days I would be having the same thoughts stuck in my head, I'm ugly, etc. Other stuff.
       Even now with my mental illness I still think that. Let me tell you it fucking sucks that I can't live up to everyone's standards or even feel like a normal person. I am never going to feel that I can be on solid ground. I find myself still thinking there is a stigma with mental illness, people still don't understand. But It's slowly getting better. I just fear one day I will have a set back, even though I'm med compliant that is something I will never be able to let go of. I can't believe this is pouring out of me. But It has been for a while. Oddly enough I am now friendly with some of my former bullies and they are nice to me, but there are those who will never ever grow up.
     I have made leaps and bounds since becoming Independent but I fear I will become home sick and want to be with my parents again. But I know I can't give up, I know I can continue to do the things I've been doing while Independent. I'm sorry in advance if anyone is offended or upset by this entry. I just felt like I had to spill my guts, even if I am moving on with my life, and have let go of some of what happened to me. Or maybe I haven't. Some people just have it easier. But like my mom said I am blessed. Thanks in advance for reading and understanding. Sorry if I repeated anything, or you've heard the same shit before. But I feel better now so there you have it!!