So I had a very emotional day yesterday, I mean I should be excited right?? I'm going to visit my alma mater tomorrow, Landmark College!! I have been questioning myself and my relationships with people around me for so long, since forever, I finally had my breaking point yesterday, I don't want to question people anymore. I don't, I remember the first person in my life who I connected with. Her name was Ginny Devito. She was so special, I met her in Kingsbury in Waterbury Connecticut, she was a teacher's aide, but she ended up having a strong impact on my life, she was the first relationship I ever questioned. Like why does this person love me so much, why is she caring for me, I never understood it. I remember the last time I saw her, she gave me a keychain, it was in the shape of a heart. There was a note inside. It said, if you ever need anybody, look at this picture, and know that I love you, and will always be there for you whenever you need it.
I remember sitting at her kitchen table, confused, wondering why she did what she did. Why did I question it. Couldn't I have said thanks so much, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I continue to get more confused now as a young women about the relationships with the people in my life, I entered Landmark College, in 2006, I met people who would end up changing my life forever!!! Now there's a place that you would think I would stop questioning right? Nope, my confusion and questioning of authority only increased. I know that all of the people I met are the most amazing people I've ever met, you all go above and beyond the call of duty. I mean how special is it that there's a school out there for students with learning disabilities like myself?? Obviously were a pretty kick ass bunch of people to have a school out there just for us. Landmark and the people there, are like gifts sent from heaven or something, it's weird to feel that way. I realize that. But it's so true, I have never felt so much admiration for something in my life before. Most people aren't that lucky. Everybody at LMC is a part of my heart for the rest of my life.
I don't want people to say they love me, or that they admire me, or value me, I want honesty, plain and simple honesty. Is it that much to ask? I know there are just bunches and bunches of people who love me, and appreciate me, it's so hard for me to take those words in though. It's not hard when my parent's say it, but when other people say it to me, that's where I have such a hard time taking that in. I wish I could be different. That I didn't have NLD, that it would be easy for me to make friends, understand the words that people say to me, without having to wonder, well do they want something from me? Do they think that if they aren't nice to me I won't like them?? Well that's wrong, I don't care. I don't want to be treated differently, I want to be treated the same as everybody else.Please just be honest with me, I don't want empty words, I just want to know how you really feel. This is probably the longest and most emotional note I've written in my life. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I haven't been able to vent about my struggles, because I keep my guard up, I don't want people to see me struggle, I want to be fierce like all of the people in my life are.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Feeling inspired!
So after the really nice day we had yesterday, it's freezing and raining today, it's supposed to be Spring isn't it? I'm ready for summer though to be honest. I worked with a classmate of mine on a project for my Gender studies class. It was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with her and her friends for a couple hours. I really like this school a lot. My peers have been really excepting of me, it was fun to just laugh with Jess and her friends for two hours. We cracked up looking at a clip of Kevin Kline dancing to I will survive in the movie In and Out.
I feel like I'm continuing to be more outspoken here, I'm talking to my counselor and he has been extremely supportive of me. I also have a really awesome mentor here too. I opened up to her on Thursday about a lot of things, I found myself becoming very emotional as I was talking to her. Her and I have a lot in common, she also has lent me an ear when I need it. I really appreciate the fact that she just lets me talk. She lets me say what I need to say. Just having 2 people there for me, who are supporting me, helps a lot.
I feel like sometimes, I need a lot of people to support me, or hold me up so to speak, but I'm learning that I don't, just having 2 people supporting me is great. I like having the chance to spread my wings on my own too. I have been interacting with my peers, I write for the newspaper, that's a lot of fun. My very first article I wrote for a paper was in High School, I wrote about MCAS and how miserable it made me for 2 years. I like having the chance to do things on my own.
I can be a quiet girl sometimes, I think my shyness stops me from speaking up. But over the last few years, that's changed. I think a lot of people around me have helped me get out of that shyness shell. I owe those people a lot for helping me. I'm pretty sure they know who they are. I was supposed to see David Cook tomorrow with my little sister too, unfortunately the concert has been canceled. I hope he is able to reschedule for a later date.
I feel like I'm continuing to be more outspoken here, I'm talking to my counselor and he has been extremely supportive of me. I also have a really awesome mentor here too. I opened up to her on Thursday about a lot of things, I found myself becoming very emotional as I was talking to her. Her and I have a lot in common, she also has lent me an ear when I need it. I really appreciate the fact that she just lets me talk. She lets me say what I need to say. Just having 2 people there for me, who are supporting me, helps a lot.
I feel like sometimes, I need a lot of people to support me, or hold me up so to speak, but I'm learning that I don't, just having 2 people supporting me is great. I like having the chance to spread my wings on my own too. I have been interacting with my peers, I write for the newspaper, that's a lot of fun. My very first article I wrote for a paper was in High School, I wrote about MCAS and how miserable it made me for 2 years. I like having the chance to do things on my own.
I can be a quiet girl sometimes, I think my shyness stops me from speaking up. But over the last few years, that's changed. I think a lot of people around me have helped me get out of that shyness shell. I owe those people a lot for helping me. I'm pretty sure they know who they are. I was supposed to see David Cook tomorrow with my little sister too, unfortunately the concert has been canceled. I hope he is able to reschedule for a later date.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Just want to vent!!
Today is Sunday March 15th, I start week 8 of classes tomorrow morning. Time certainly does fly, I arrived several hours ago after a week long spring break. I didn't do much while I was home, I pretty much stayed in my room. That place is my sanctuary, I can hide from the world in there, nobody will bother me. Well except for my cat Diego, he likes to go under the bed. My room is my safe place, I can just be lazy and not worry about the outside world. I know that's not the way it should be for me though. I don't necessarily have to go out and make friends, I can just simply call one of my good friends on the phone and say hey want to go get a cup of coffee?
I never do that though. I don't know if it's a fear thing, I don't call anybody on the phone. Except for my mom, and my friend Adam. But other then those 2, I don't really talk to anybody, one of my friend's even invited me to her place in Boston to spend a day with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I had nothing holding me back from going there, I could have figured something out. I was home on Friday, I knew Mr North Andover was happening. Why didn't I just go? I haven't gone to visit NAHS in a long time. The last time I was there was for my friend's prom and for my little brother's graduation. I didn't go on a visit on my own, in a little over a year.
I know my room's not going to leave. I'm certainly not letting it hold me back. Well maybe I am. I know I can get up and go visit some old friends, I know there are a couple people who would love to see me. Usually I'd jump at the chance to go visit NAHS! But instead I chose to bum out in my room. I need to work on that, I won't be able to fix it in a day. But gradually I will.
And Friday was 3 months since I graduated from Landmark, its amazing how fast 3 months goes by. It feels like just yesterday. I wouldn't be here if Landmark hadn't come into the equation. I mean it's possible I would have been, but I don't think I would have been a success here, I needed Landmark, even if at first I didn't think I did. I mean I shouldn't ask what if? Or what kind of person would I be if Landmark didn't come into the picture. But I do find myself wondering. I mean I'd like to think I would have been ok, but who knows??
I never do that though. I don't know if it's a fear thing, I don't call anybody on the phone. Except for my mom, and my friend Adam. But other then those 2, I don't really talk to anybody, one of my friend's even invited me to her place in Boston to spend a day with her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I had nothing holding me back from going there, I could have figured something out. I was home on Friday, I knew Mr North Andover was happening. Why didn't I just go? I haven't gone to visit NAHS in a long time. The last time I was there was for my friend's prom and for my little brother's graduation. I didn't go on a visit on my own, in a little over a year.
I know my room's not going to leave. I'm certainly not letting it hold me back. Well maybe I am. I know I can get up and go visit some old friends, I know there are a couple people who would love to see me. Usually I'd jump at the chance to go visit NAHS! But instead I chose to bum out in my room. I need to work on that, I won't be able to fix it in a day. But gradually I will.
And Friday was 3 months since I graduated from Landmark, its amazing how fast 3 months goes by. It feels like just yesterday. I wouldn't be here if Landmark hadn't come into the equation. I mean it's possible I would have been, but I don't think I would have been a success here, I needed Landmark, even if at first I didn't think I did. I mean I shouldn't ask what if? Or what kind of person would I be if Landmark didn't come into the picture. But I do find myself wondering. I mean I'd like to think I would have been ok, but who knows??
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Feeling uninspired!
So I've had this blog for a couple weeks now, I haven't written much, somehow though the words always come to me, but today not so much. I've been writing a lot of paper's for my women studies classes, so I should be writing my butt off right now!! I know that I have some people who read this blog and really like my writing. I appreciate that. I like having this blog because its my place to vent, I can write whatever comes to mind, on pretty much any subject.
I didn't really care about writing before, thought I wasn't good at it. Still don't think I am. I feel like writing helps me relax, it makes me feel better after a crappy day. Not that today was a crappy day. Its cold and there's a foot of snow on the ground but things are better then they were the last time I wrote. Some things are difficult, like I miss my friends at Landmark, I miss them a lot. Being at Colby Sawyer is a transition, there are some similarities that Colby Sawyer shares with Landmark. Colby Sawyer is very open, everyone I've met so far has been very nice and supportive, they're very willing to lend an open hand and ear.
I like all my teachers too, It seems like they all know their stuff, and they're also very supportive as well. I told my Professor for inequality that I had a learning disability, he shook his head and said NAH you just learn differently, it really made me feel good that he said that. He was really understanding and wanted to help me in any way he could. I'm blessed to have some amazing people who will go above and beyond for me. I think he'll be another one of those amazing people.
Landmark will forever be in my heart, it had a very profound impact in my life. I don't think a place has ever had that kind of affect on me. It filled me with such happiness, it made me feel complete. I made a lot of changed while I was a student there. So many people there also had quite an impact on me. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have been a part of that place for as long as I was. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
I didn't really care about writing before, thought I wasn't good at it. Still don't think I am. I feel like writing helps me relax, it makes me feel better after a crappy day. Not that today was a crappy day. Its cold and there's a foot of snow on the ground but things are better then they were the last time I wrote. Some things are difficult, like I miss my friends at Landmark, I miss them a lot. Being at Colby Sawyer is a transition, there are some similarities that Colby Sawyer shares with Landmark. Colby Sawyer is very open, everyone I've met so far has been very nice and supportive, they're very willing to lend an open hand and ear.
I like all my teachers too, It seems like they all know their stuff, and they're also very supportive as well. I told my Professor for inequality that I had a learning disability, he shook his head and said NAH you just learn differently, it really made me feel good that he said that. He was really understanding and wanted to help me in any way he could. I'm blessed to have some amazing people who will go above and beyond for me. I think he'll be another one of those amazing people.
Landmark will forever be in my heart, it had a very profound impact in my life. I don't think a place has ever had that kind of affect on me. It filled me with such happiness, it made me feel complete. I made a lot of changed while I was a student there. So many people there also had quite an impact on me. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have been a part of that place for as long as I was. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Trust: My struggles
So I thought I would post about my struggles with trust, there was an incident yesterday evening that made me realize just how trusting I am of people, it doesn't matter who it is, it can either be an adult or a peer. There was an authority figure in my life that I thought I could trust, I would always go to this person to talk about the difficult situations, this person would always offer good advice and look out for me to make sure I was ok, but she turned on me and broke that trust.
I don't know how I can be so trusting of people, I think it's a part of my Non Verbal learning disorder and also my Asperger's. I've never been diagnosed with it but I know in my heart I have it. I trust too easily with some people. I wish I had a machine where I could see if they were trust-worthy or not but unfortunately I don't. People told me too not to trust the person who hurt me, that I should go to a trusted adult, someone I can count on ya know. But this person was an authority too, at least I thought so. I wish it was easier for me to pinpoint the ones who are the bad eggs so to speak, it's not that simple though.
I have learned some positive things though. That I have some kick-ass friends and family, they're the one I can trust. I know they'll always be there for me no matter what. I have met so many wonderful people these last couple years, I am so grateful for every single one of them. I know some of my friends will probably read this and I'm sure they know who they are. I am so lucky to have all of you in my life. Thanks for your guidance and support. I know I can trust all of you and I know that you'll always be there for me.
I think what happened was almost a blessing in disguise, yes it hurt me but at the end of the day now I know who I can't trust, that I should be more aware of the people around me. I shouldn't be afraid to ask questions of them like can I trust you? Will you keep what I tell you private? Nobody should be afraid to ask those questions. If the person you ask gets snippy with you maybe you should find another person to talk to. It's ok to be cautious and no matter what you should always know that you don't have to seek guidance from one person, you can go to several people. That's what I do.
I feel like I'm lucky that way. I have a large support team, it's massive. Most people my age don't have that. I don't know where or what I would be today if not for my support team. That goes for everybody that I've met over the last 12 years or so. I so appreciate that I can keep in touch and ask advice, seek strength to reach out, etc.. Really it makes me feel like the luckiest kid in the world.
I don't know how I can be so trusting of people, I think it's a part of my Non Verbal learning disorder and also my Asperger's. I've never been diagnosed with it but I know in my heart I have it. I trust too easily with some people. I wish I had a machine where I could see if they were trust-worthy or not but unfortunately I don't. People told me too not to trust the person who hurt me, that I should go to a trusted adult, someone I can count on ya know. But this person was an authority too, at least I thought so. I wish it was easier for me to pinpoint the ones who are the bad eggs so to speak, it's not that simple though.
I have learned some positive things though. That I have some kick-ass friends and family, they're the one I can trust. I know they'll always be there for me no matter what. I have met so many wonderful people these last couple years, I am so grateful for every single one of them. I know some of my friends will probably read this and I'm sure they know who they are. I am so lucky to have all of you in my life. Thanks for your guidance and support. I know I can trust all of you and I know that you'll always be there for me.
I think what happened was almost a blessing in disguise, yes it hurt me but at the end of the day now I know who I can't trust, that I should be more aware of the people around me. I shouldn't be afraid to ask questions of them like can I trust you? Will you keep what I tell you private? Nobody should be afraid to ask those questions. If the person you ask gets snippy with you maybe you should find another person to talk to. It's ok to be cautious and no matter what you should always know that you don't have to seek guidance from one person, you can go to several people. That's what I do.
I feel like I'm lucky that way. I have a large support team, it's massive. Most people my age don't have that. I don't know where or what I would be today if not for my support team. That goes for everybody that I've met over the last 12 years or so. I so appreciate that I can keep in touch and ask advice, seek strength to reach out, etc.. Really it makes me feel like the luckiest kid in the world.
Monday, February 16, 2009
The bashing of Spinelli
So I'm on the boards today doing my usual bragging about how awesome Spixie- Spinelli and Maxie the new super couple of GH are, and I come across a lot of nasty Spinelli threads. People are calling him a freak, spaz, the devil, really any nasty name you can possibly come up with they're using them to attack Spinelli. Seeing as that this is my 3rd post about Spinelli, you're probably wondering why I'm so protective of a fictional soap opera character.
Like I've said previously I see myself in Spinelli, I was bullied for years . It got really bad when I entered Middle School, it was a daily occurrence. School was pretty much a living hell for me. I had nobody to confide in except for my mom and the faculty members at my school. The principal that was working at the time didn't do anything to stop what was going on. My mom and my teacher we're the only 2 people who really fought for me during this period. I think Spinelli definitely went through something similar when he was in grade school. I think it's the reason why he can't make connections with his own peers. Spinelli finds that adults are the ones he can confide in the most.
Now I don't confide in a mobster like Spinelli does, HAHA but I do have a lot of adults in my life who I know I can count on to offer me strength and give me advice when I need it. It is comforting to know that Spinelli does have one very, very special friend Maxie Jones. She seems to be the one person who has understood Spinelli and yet has loved him through his differences. I tune into GH everyday to see Spinelli and Maxie in scenes together, it makes me happy to know that Spinelli has her love and guidance to count on.
Like I've said previously I see myself in Spinelli, I was bullied for years . It got really bad when I entered Middle School, it was a daily occurrence. School was pretty much a living hell for me. I had nobody to confide in except for my mom and the faculty members at my school. The principal that was working at the time didn't do anything to stop what was going on. My mom and my teacher we're the only 2 people who really fought for me during this period. I think Spinelli definitely went through something similar when he was in grade school. I think it's the reason why he can't make connections with his own peers. Spinelli finds that adults are the ones he can confide in the most.
Now I don't confide in a mobster like Spinelli does, HAHA but I do have a lot of adults in my life who I know I can count on to offer me strength and give me advice when I need it. It is comforting to know that Spinelli does have one very, very special friend Maxie Jones. She seems to be the one person who has understood Spinelli and yet has loved him through his differences. I tune into GH everyday to see Spinelli and Maxie in scenes together, it makes me happy to know that Spinelli has her love and guidance to count on.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A little about me
So some of you are probably curious as to why I posted the blog about Spinelli and Asperger's? Well although I have not been diagnosed with Asperger's I know deep down in my heart that I have it. I knew I was always a little different. I never really connected well with those my own age, like Spinelli I found and still do find great comfort from adults.
I was bullied all through middle school. It's hard for me to trust my peers, I never could understand why. I always thought my connections with the adults in my lie was a little strange. I mean most kids my age don't do that. But then I come to realize that they're the ones who understand and appreciate me the most, they don't judge me, they listen to me, they care about me, they're always there when I need a listening ear.
I think that I have a much deeper understanding of myself now that and why I do struggle so much with connections. I also just find myself on some days preferring to be alone rather than with other people. I joined a social group on campus, I went to my second meeting yesterday and it seems to be helping me grow out of my fear of connecting. I have met 2 people who struggle with social interactions like I do so now I don't feel so alone.
I was bullied all through middle school. It's hard for me to trust my peers, I never could understand why. I always thought my connections with the adults in my lie was a little strange. I mean most kids my age don't do that. But then I come to realize that they're the ones who understand and appreciate me the most, they don't judge me, they listen to me, they care about me, they're always there when I need a listening ear.
I think that I have a much deeper understanding of myself now that and why I do struggle so much with connections. I also just find myself on some days preferring to be alone rather than with other people. I joined a social group on campus, I went to my second meeting yesterday and it seems to be helping me grow out of my fear of connecting. I have met 2 people who struggle with social interactions like I do so now I don't feel so alone.
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