Another entry about facing fears

        I thought I would write a new entry today, it's been a long weekend for me, I want to write as much as I can and I know I'm repeating myself and I'm sure it will get on your nerves, but the other day I was talking to one of the staff members at the club and Landmark came up, I told him I struggled with homesickness and severe isolation. I told him that Landmark had just started a Bachelor's degree program. I told him if I could I would go back and start all over again. But then I realized that I just cannot do that. I still have to pay off student loans and I would have to live on campus, I wouldn't be able to afford to live off campus like the staff member at my program suggested. But there is something I have to do soon and that is to visit my school and  visit the professors who so greatly impacted my life. I know Landmark is the place where I got sick but I'm trying my very best to put that in the past. It is very hard for me to do that at times but I'm trying to let go of what happened.

      I do not, I repeat do not blame anyone there for what happened to me. I remember when I got out of the hospital that I blamed myself for what happened, that I should have known better. But I didn't know that I would end up getting sick the way I did. I certainly knew something was off but I just didn't know how severe the sickness was. I have to face my fear now. I can't wait until next fall or another couple years from now to visit, I just can't allow my fears to get in the way. I have allowed my fear of visiting to get in the way for far to long. I think it's time I let go of that as well and just GO!!! I know there are people who would love to see me. At least I hope anyway. I feel frustated that I can't just say hey mom, and Dave we should get in the car and take a day trip to Vermont and go visit LMC!! I always think about Landmark, it has a special place in my heart just like the Point After Club does. I would say all the teachers that I had, my coach, and my counselor had a deep impact on me. Nobody can understand just how special Landmark was to me. I know I had my struggles but I got through it.

       I keep in touch with the staff there as much as I can through email and I recently wrote a letter to one of my teachers that I hadn't seen since I graduated. I miss it there. The beautiful campus, the staff, I know all my friends have graduated, but I often wonder would I be allowed back if I wanted to get my Bachelor's degree? I know in my heart it wouldn't be right because so many things have changed for me. Maybe one day I'll go to another school and get my degree. It's been one of my dreams for a couple years now. But with my luck I won't go back to school until I'm in my 40's. I wish I didn't have to wait that long though. I think I only have to attend school for another year or so to attain my degree, but I could be wrong. I have to admit that I wish Landmark was a lot closer to me, so I could visit once a month. I guess it's time I sit down with my parents and make that plan to visit for sometime later this fall. It's really now or never for me at this point. I have to face this fear head on. I can't expect my parents to hold my hand when the time comes that I do visit. I have to go on my own.