Hi everyone! Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I was really depressed, well actually I have been for quite a while. I was just feeling down and didn't want to do anything. I still kinda feel that way to be honest with you all. I felt bad that I posted that I was depressed on my status but the outpouring of love and support was amazing. I have never felt that much love before from friends and family. Trust me I have sought out support for my depression. I have talked to the staff at my day program. I've talked to doctors, I take medicine on a regular basis and it never seems to go away. My good friend Nicole came over my house yesterday to check on me. I just want to give a special shout out to her for doing that. She really lifted my spirits. I feel better today. But I know my sadness will continue. People say I seem fine, or if someone asks how I'm doing I say I'm fine. When really I'm not. There is a lot of change going on in my life right now too. That has not been easy. The other thing is I struggle with self-esteem issues as well. I am going to meet my friend Rachel on Sunday and talk about ways to manage and improve my self-esteem.
I am so unhappy about my body. I feel like I'm fat and I'm ugly. I hate feeling that way. But these feelings just continue and continue. I don't know if things will ever change in that department. I know I should feel beautiful. I know I should feel comfortable enough to look in the mirror and say you know what? I am beautiful!! Screw all of those people who ever called me UGLY!! My wonderful friend Charlotte, who I keep in touch with said to me in an email that I am beautiful inside and out. That made me feel good for a while but then I felt bad about myself again. I am my own worst enemy. I had these issues for quite some time. I don't know how else to say it but I don't think I will ever be able to see what people see in me. I'm sorry if that disappoints anybody. I adore my friends, the few I have. I know a lot of people care about me. I know that but I don't care about myself. I don't deserve to have friends if I can't care about myself or even take care of myself.
I genuinely feel unhappy about my looks. Something has got to give though. I should be able to be happy with who I am. NO I should take pride in who I am. I am a wonderful person with a big heart. I should love myself but I just don't. I will end this post for now because I know it's depressing. If anyone has advice, or support for me I can really use it right now/
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Dear Anna
ReplyDeleteYou are a very unique, special and strong young lady...the worst thing to do is compare yourself to others! You are a work in progress and be proud of that...we all continually are learning about ourselves and others and that is what makes us grow. You have overcome so many obstacles in life, be PROUD of that. You are beautiful, Let yourself shine, think of all the positives in your life. YOu have good friends because you are a good friend, you have worked hard to be successful and you are! Have you thought about joining a gym close by with a friend...it always helps to do something physical...that is my medicine! I am sure Rachel will help you with that when you speak with her. Good Luck, life is precious and so are you!!
Put one foot in front of the other, get an ipod/iphone with some great music on it (maybe Carly or Ben?) and go around the block...just once. See how it feels, then the next day, do it again. Don't wait till you "feel like it," just do it. Say to yourself, "today I am going to walk around the block," say it again, until you do it. Fake it till you make it. Pretend you LOVE walking...and it might just be true. Next time Nicole comes by, ask her to go for a walk...I bet she'll say yes! I know this sounds simple, and EASIER SAID THAN DONE. but i believe, in my heart that you can do this....just a few simply steps in the right direction, it will energize you, it may not make any obvious physical change at first, but if you keep doing it, I promise it will! If you are reading this now (Friday afternoon around 4pm) it is the PERFECT weather to take a walk. I am heading out on my bike right when I finish this, I don't "feel like it at the moment," but I am going to do it anyway....and so should you. YOU deserve to be healthy and confident, one step at a time!!! Take care Anna, love, Deb
ReplyDeleteIt's a difficult thing to go through - I know too well. Have things that give you pleasure near by - books, music, drawing tools - whatever you enjoy. Make yourself get into one of them. Like the other person said - don't wait to 'feel like it'. Sometimes just getting immersed in a project is enough to take you out of the immediate painful state and lift you. Good luck!
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