Hi everyone a fall update.

        The last time I wrote on my blog was in late August. I am going to try and make this a positive post as my other postings have been depressing. As you all know my dream is to make a difference in someones life. I'm hoping to become a teacher's aide. But the thing is I only have an Associates degree. I know I would need a Bachelors degree in order to become an aide. I have been wanting to make a difference for a very, very long time. But I know at least in my area nobody is hiring. Worst case scenario would be I would probably have to go far and that is something I can't do as I don't have a car. I hope to teach middle school or high school. I know it is extremely challenging but I know I can do it. I hope that if anyone reads this they will offer me some advice. I had so many wonderful teachers in my life. They inspired me to want to want to make a difference. I had my fair share of struggles. Trust me I am still struggling now. I have been struggling with depression and feeling like things will only get worse. But I truly hope and pray that things get better for me.

      I have been feeling bad about myself for far to long. Enough is Enough and something has got to give. I want to get out there and do something instead of just stay home. I am going to my program tomorrow. But no matter how happy I may seem there is something missing inside my heart and let me tell you that breaks my heart. I'm sorry if this is sounding depressing but I have been wanting to vent for a long time. I feel like I want to cry, scream, punch something. But I haven't done any of those things not to worry. I just feel like there is something missing. I stay at the club for a few hours and I come home and I'm just depressed all over again. I feel as though I have been depressed for years. It sucks to say it too. I have not been working hard enough to reach for the stars and work towards my goal of becoming a teacher.  I have not done a thing to see if an schools are hiring aides nearby. I am hoping to get a good teaching job and to make some money so I can support myself. I would love to buy my nephew all his favorite movies on DVD. I would also like to do things for myself too. I also have to say I am scared for my future. I don't know what to expect and I am scared that I will never be able to get any job. I had a not so good experience towards the end of my last job. Don'tn get me wrong it was overall a good experience but it just wasn't a good fir for me.

    I also know the particular job I had is not a right fit for me. I know I can do a lot better. But I am desperate for something, anything really. But my dream of being a teacher will NEVER stop. I know it sounds silly but if not for the wonderful teachers I had I probably would not want to be a teacher. I know I can be a great teacher if I put my mind to it. I love kids, I love a challenge. I also love teachers too. They are just so awesome. I hope I can make all of them proud if I ever do become a teacher one day. I will not let anyone bring me down and tell me I can't do it. Because you know something I know I can do it. Some people may say I can't do it. But if that's how you feel you don't know me at all. I have faith in myself which is so important to have. If you don't have faith in yourself it's really hard to do anything. I will work hard to continue on a more positive path in my life as well. I have a lot of negative self talk lately and that has become worrisome. I work to try and be positive but it's hard. It can be hard, especially when you have depression. Well I am ending this entry for now. I hope everyone is having a great night. I love you all.