I haven't slept at all! I am surprised my medicine usually knock me out soon after I take them. I don't know, maybe I'm stressed out after a long week. It was the longest week ever. It doesn't help that I feel lonely and often don't feel well. I guess the truth is I never feel well. I have to change my life. I cannot expect my parents to do it anymore for me. I have to want to change my life. I know I can do it too. It's just been so hard lately. I have become too reliant on people in my life The staff and members at the club are so willing to help me but I feel like a burden. I have said it in the past and they say I'm not but I still feel like I am and it's a horrible feeling. I can talk to anyone and I mean anyone at the club and they will step up and help me but from now on I want to help myself. I don't WANT to rely on people anymore. I'm frustrated and angry that I haven't made the effort to be more independent. I don't have a permit. I am turning 26 July 1st, I know there are lots of people who don't drive but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. But I don't make any effort to. I know I'm ranting but I have been wanting to get this out for a long time. I've said it over and over I know trust me I've been wanting to be independent but there are still roadblocks in the way. Maybe one day if I have the courage I will tell my readers more but I'm not feeling ready yet.
I had my first creative expressions group yesterday at the club. It was only me unfortunately that showed up. I was disappointed because I had told people about it but I think it is difficult for people to come to a group and be writing or doing arts and crafts for two hours. It's hard for me to even want to sit still for two hours. I can get bored and feel uninspired as well. I know people think my blog is wonderful but sometimes I just don't see it.. I don't mean to be so negative today but so far that's the way I'm feeling. The only constant right now in my life is my beautiful nephew Bill. He makes me laugh all the time. I am so grateful for him everyday. I don't know what I'd do without him. I hope to show him my blog when he's old enough. I hope he knows how much I love him. I know I am so lucky to have a wonderful family around me. My parents. The amazing support of the staff of the PAC, but I want to make a change. I have to make the effort to myself. I can't ask someone to do it for me. I hope I'm not gonna lose any readers over this entry. I didn't realize I'd be up all night, I was thinky, is that even a word? I was concerned about a friend. I'm sure he's better now. Least I hope he is.
I struggle with a lot of other things that people don't know about. I have self esteem issues as well. That's something that's really hard for me. I have mentioned it but it's a flaw of mine I guess you could call it that. I don't see the beauty in me anymore. I know it sounds strange doesn't it because I should be saying you know what screw that I am beautiful. But I can't because I'm not courageous enough to do so. I keep hoping that feeling of being beautiful will come but it just doesn't and it feels horrible. Maybe I'm this way because I was bullied, but I have to stop making excuses because I cannot stop feeling so low about myself all the time. I have all these flaws and I hate them. I just can't put up with feeling this way anymore.I have things to look forward to over the next few months the NAMI walk with two awesome staff members Danisa and Charlotte and also the fact that I will be speaking next week at a book store, I will be reading my recovery story. I hope I can change my life on my own. I want to get my own place, I know my parents want to be free and have space from me. I know they love me, but I have to be independent. I think they would want that for me. I guess I will end this for now. I have lots more to say but it will be a million pages long. I hope my readers will send prayers my way. Thanks
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This is both poignant and wonderfully brave. Many people suffer with these feelings and never have the courage to admit it. Here's sending you good energy to move forward as you shall.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jan. I suffer from a lot of these feelings as well. I am blessed to have such good friends and a wonderful family, just like you do and they support and help me any way they can. It is hard to ask for help but sometimes we need to. Have faith that your independence will happen, maybe not in the time frame you would like it to but I know it will.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love to you Anna ♥
My dearAnna,
ReplyDeleteThis is the first I have read your blog and although I have known you for many years from camp, I now feel that I " know" you. It is very difficult to trudge through a world knowing you are different, with people reminding you everyday of that fact. The first step in solving a problem is first and foremost realizing that you have one. Only you know your limitations and my best advice is to write down a list of " goals" with a time frame, then order them in terms of most important and so on. I applaud your wanting to be independent as that is every young person' s dream. Your family loves you and always has, always will be there to support you. Your journey may take a little longer than most so don't be so hard on yourself. Confidence is not easily attained and eludes more people than you realize so you are not alone. Continue to use your blog as an outlet as keeping those thoughts and feelings buried inside of you will keep you from achieving your goals. Baby steps, Anna. Everything comes in time. Looking forward to seeing you and your family this summer at camp. Patty L.