Here is a new entry for the new year!! It's not really a positive one but I hope that my readers offer me advice on things I can work on to gain back my potential and to see that I do have potential. I know I wrote about this before but it's been especially hard as of late. I had a conversation with the assistant director of my program today and I told her that I was having a hard time with seeing my potential and that I often times don't see what others see in me. If someone says I'm beautiful it's hard for me to take in. I used to take such pride in myself. But now it's really hard because I just don't care enough about myself. This is something I really want to work on. I want to take pride in myself and see the beauty in myself. I do want to look in the mirror and say I'm beautiful just like the assistant director said to me today. I know it's so important to work on having positive self image. I saw a picture of myself that was taken during the summer and I didn't like the way I looked. I thought I had flabby arms. It broke my heart to think that but then I sent a message to my mom and she told me I was beautiful. It was still hard to take in but it made me feel better. I have to realize I am beautiful. I was bullied when I started school here in MA but I am my own bully too. I can be my own worst enemy.
I have to work in increasing my self-esteem. But it seems like something always gets in the way. Everybody at the club tells me how far I've come since I've become a member a couple years ago. But it's hard for me to see how far I've come. I've done a lot since I became a member at the Point After Club. I've spoken at the State House in Boston in front of state reps. Even though I was nervous I got up there and did it. It's not easy to speak up about having a mental illness in front of people you don't know. I was proud of myself for doing it though. I have such wonderful support at the club. I know they all know I respect them. I wrote about this very thing on my last entry. I hope that my readers can offer me support and advice on this. I know it sounds strange for me to be asking for help in a blog entry but I need it. I hope that I can get at least one or two comments by tomorrow. I will work on my self esteem issues too. I know I have potential. It's just that I have a really hard time realizing the fact that I've done a lot and can do so much more with that potential. I hope sooner rather than later I ca finally see and utilize that potential. I hope everyone enjoys my new entry. I know it's rather depressing but I wanted to vent to my readers and let them know how I was feeling. Hope everyone is having a great 2013 so far!! :)
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this is beautiful. it reminds me I am beautiful. it was written by someone beautiful.
ReplyDeleteflabby arms? better than a flabby spirit.
and yours, my dear, is beauty. full.
You are a brave young woman to be so open about your fears and insecurities. Not many people are that honest with themselves and others. It is an amazing quality that you posses, and I am certain that as you take steps to embrace the wonderfulness that is you, your self esteem will grow exponentially. Being our own bully, is a trait that many of us take on. Don't let that bully win.
ReplyDeleteI have great faith that you will do big & wonderful things with your life. Continue to give yourself pep talks (even if its just one sentence per day) & accept the compliments that are given to you. Those that love you tell you you are beautiful (inside and out) because they believe it so completely, they hope just 1% of their love for you will light that spark that allows you to feel the same love for yourself.
Continue fighting for yourself and what you want, love and believe. You will do great things in this world, if you just continue being true to who you and true to what you know is right in your core.
I am cheering for you - and know you will succeed. Blessings, Theresa B.
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your post, for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I love what you said about us being our own bullies, that was a great way to put it. I think sometimes if I treated my friends how I treat myself, I wouldn't have very many friends :^)
It is easy for me to look in the mirror and see all my flaws staring back at me. My husband always tells me to try to see myself through his eyes, that I am beautiful just like your mom told you. We try to reflect back to each other the beautiful spirit that resides in us, in all of us. I have a saying "we are perfect in our imperfections" yet most of the time I have a hard time believing it.
This year I am going to try to be more gentle with myself. I am going to try to be a better friend to "me", talk to myself nicer. It is an ongoing process but I know deep down inside I am worth it and so are you!