A note to my friends

So I had a very emotional day yesterday, I mean I should be excited right?? I'm going to visit my alma mater tomorrow, Landmark College!! I have been questioning myself and my relationships with people around me for so long, since forever, I finally had my breaking point yesterday, I don't want to question people anymore. I don't, I remember the first person in my life who I connected with. Her name was Ginny Devito. She was so special, I met her in Kingsbury in Waterbury Connecticut, she was a teacher's aide, but she ended up having a strong impact on my life, she was the first relationship I ever questioned. Like why does this person love me so much, why is she caring for me, I never understood it. I remember the last time I saw her, she gave me a keychain, it was in the shape of a heart. There was a note inside. It said, if you ever need anybody, look at this picture, and know that I love you, and will always be there for you whenever you need it.

I remember sitting at her kitchen table, confused, wondering why she did what she did. Why did I question it. Couldn't I have said thanks so much, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I continue to get more confused now as a young women about the relationships with the people in my life, I entered Landmark College, in 2006, I met people who would end up changing my life forever!!! Now there's a place that you would think I would stop questioning right? Nope, my confusion and questioning of authority only increased. I know that all of the people I met are the most amazing people I've ever met, you all go above and beyond the call of duty. I mean how special is it that there's a school out there for students with learning disabilities like myself?? Obviously were a pretty kick ass bunch of people to have a school out there just for us. Landmark and the people there, are like gifts sent from heaven or something, it's weird to feel that way. I realize that. But it's so true, I have never felt so much admiration for something in my life before. Most people aren't that lucky. Everybody at LMC is a part of my heart for the rest of my life.

I don't want people to say they love me, or that they admire me, or value me, I want honesty, plain and simple honesty. Is it that much to ask? I know there are just bunches and bunches of people who love me, and appreciate me, it's so hard for me to take those words in though. It's not hard when my parent's say it, but when other people say it to me, that's where I have such a hard time taking that in. I wish I could be different. That I didn't have NLD, that it would be easy for me to make friends, understand the words that people say to me, without having to wonder, well do they want something from me? Do they think that if they aren't nice to me I won't like them?? Well that's wrong, I don't care. I don't want to be treated differently, I want to be treated the same as everybody else.Please just be honest with me, I don't want empty words, I just want to know how you really feel. This is probably the longest and most emotional note I've written in my life. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I haven't been able to vent about my struggles, because I keep my guard up, I don't want people to see me struggle, I want to be fierce like all of the people in my life are.